Earth Day, Corporate America Style

The Devil celebrates Earth Day today:  Contribute $5 to The Devil’s chosen green charity (total donation will be made under The Devil’s name, of course) and you get to wear jeans to work.

Hmmm, I think I need the $5 more than I need to wear jeans to work.  Sorry, Devil.  Sorry, Earth.  Yeah, I know, charity.  But here’s the thing — The Devil already has made it clear that there will be no staff bonuses, no staff raises this year.  Staff.  Partners are not staff.  Additionally, The Devil has its own charitable foundation, so if The Devil wants to donate to a green charity, I think it should pen off a check from its foundation instead of hitting up its peons for the cash.  I come to work to get paid, not to give money to my employer, not even in the name of charity.

I’ll donate to charities of my own accord, in my name, without corporate prompting, thankyouverymuch.

And while I’m being a petty bitch, let’s discuss The Devil’s tuition reimbursement program.  Under the program guidelines, I am entitled to $0 reimbursement per year.  Yeah, thanks.  It’s a pathetically measly annual cap, anyway.

* * *

On a more pleasant note, thank you, Sam, for being my alarm cat this morning.  I must have inadvertently switched my alarm to “off” yesterday.  Your meowing woke me, and I was able to make it to the office just three minutes late.  You even let me sleep an extra 40 minutes, bless your feline heart.  Good boy.

=^..^=

The Monday Morning Bitchfest Letters

I am crabbycakes today.

Dear Coworkers:

Please do not confuse my presence here this morning with my being awake.  It does not work that way.  I even took the bus in so that I could continue sleeping instead of having to drive.  So stop asking me to do stuff.  I don’t call you when you’re asleep, do I?

Resentfully,
KarmaCat

Dear Local News Station:

Please stop with the flashback segments.  I do not watch the news to learn what happened 22 years ago.  The word “news” implies new, as in recent.  Twenty-two years ago is hardly recent.  Not new.  Please stop.

Many thanks,
K

Dear Republicans,

You lost.  Get over it.  I am sick of your sniveling, sour grapes commentaries.  Seriously, am I going to have to listen to your crap for the next four years?  What a bunch of sore losers.  Sometimes it sucks to have such a sense of entitlement, doesn’t it?

Hugs and kisses,
Moi

Kthxbai.

=^..^=

Pass the Vitamin C and Birth Control, Please

That crappy bug that’s going around?  I got it.  Three days before Easter.  Four days before my Big Exam.  The thought of studying while sick like dog is depressing.  But I trudge on.  A passing grade is 95+, and I intend to pass.  Yes, 95.  Court reporting is for hardasses.

Anyway, half the class was out last night, and the rest of us (save two or three people) were sick like dog.  Our instructor mentioned how great that Airborne stuff is supposed to be.  I had heard that before and meant to stock up at the beginning of the winter.  The instructor’s words, “Get the Walmart brand,” stayed with me, and upon leaving school, I bolted to that unappealing store.  Duh, I’m sure my preferred Target has its brand, too, but my thinking cap was not on after eight hours at the office and three more at school.

So, I got the store brand, some orange juice, and a couple of carbohydrate-laden comfort snacks.  While at the register, I overhead the cashier at the register behind me ask someone if it was her first.  The woman replied, “No, these are numbers six and seven.”

BABIES?

I had to take a glance to see what this was all about.  Actually, I’m sure it was more of an uncontrolled head jerk than a discrete glance.  Yup, babies.  The woman was preggers.  With twins.  Babies No. 6 and 7.  Yikes.  Who does that anymore?

Judgmental me:  She looked like a Walmart welfare mom.  Badly dyed hair tightly pulled back in a no-style ponytail and no makeup.  Who knows how many daddies behind those six pregnancies?  But then I cut her some slack.  I mean, would I look any better, would anyone look any better, with five children (none were with her, so I can’t guess ages) and twins on the way?  Hell, no.  I know I looked rundown at 9 PM, following eight hours at work and three more at school, all sick like dog, no children.

Driving home, I wondered if any of my high school classmates had that many children.  I remembered Jenny’s mother reporting that classmate Tracey had five, and that was some years ago, so maybe.  Heh.  I remember when I told my mother about Tracey (who wasn’t the brightest girl) and her five babies, including a set of twins.  “Ooh, she found something she’s good at.”  Killer.

My point here?  Nothing, except (1) I’m sick four days before my Big Exam (so sad), and (2) I don’t have seven children (so glad).

=^..^=